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I wish to become a 90′s style American high school kid. How can I achieve this?

07 Oct

You need to get in one little fight and scare your mum.

If you don’t happen to have rich relatives to move in with, then it’s actually easy – but your experience all depends on what high school you choose.

Firstly, let’s get your hair and outfit sorted.  It doesn’t really matter where you’re going yet, as you’ll fit in almost anywhere with the following:-

Boys

  • Bowl cut.  Parting down the centre.  Long unwieldy fringe-bits in your eyes.  If your hair won’t grow this way you can choose medium spikes but these must be unkempt at the base and over-gelled at the tips.
  • Off-white sneakers.  They were white once, but this was many moons ago and now they’re dirty.  You must never be seen in new shoes.  Also, Converse don’t exist yet.
  • Baggy pale blue  jeans or denim shorts – but belted, not low at the waist as is customary these days.  If shorts, wear off-white socks.  See above.
  • A plain-ish t-shirt with an open shirt over the top, usually check flannel but it’s your call.  Don’t be afraid of colour.  If it happens to be super-cold you’re allowed an ugly oversized jumper.

Girls

All of these items are available on a sliding scale of sluttiness.  Vary the theme according to your inclinations.

  • Miniskirt.  Denim, tartan or cotton.  The hippie option comes with beads.  Wear with tights or leggings, preferably colourful (we haven’t left the 80s quite yet on this).
  • Alternatively, tight jeans, any colour.  Super high waist, think skinny Simon Cowell.
  • Tank-top or fitted t-shirt.  The hippie option comes in tie-dye.  Don’t be afraid of sequins, or showing off your midriff and your fantastic high-waisted jeans.
  • Cropped jacket.  Leather, denim or corduroy.  If it’s hot go with an open shirt instead.  The hippie option comes with bell sleeves.
  • Shoes – biker boots or bright white tennis shoes.  There is no in-between, except the hippie option of leather sandals.

Okay, now let’s decide what you want to be doing at high school; do you want an easy life, or lots of excitement?

If you’re rich and want to go to a private institution, the obvious choice is Bel-Air Academy.  But let’s start simple.  If you’re an average boy and you just want a start in meeting the world, pick John Adams High School.  You’ll have some reliable friends and a little drama, but a generally happy life.

If your Dad is a bit of a handyman around the home, or if you have lots of brothers, move to Detriot, Michigan.

If classes aren’t your thing and you find yourself constantly waiting for the bell, go to Bayside High School.  Again, not a complicated existence there.

If you then want to transfer after a couple of years to somewhere a bit more rural as you mature, Capeside High School is situated near a lovely creek.  The town will offer lots of drama and internal politics.  Capeside is serious business.

Now, if standard US life isn’t enough for you and you want some supernatural adventures, you’ve got some other options.

Start small by attending B.F Skinner Junior High, in Indiana.  You’ll have a few eerie mysteries to solve, but nothing life-threatening.  It’s good practice for when you move up.

You’ve got a choice next – if the prospect of daily death isn’t fun, choose Westbridge High.  You can discover witchcraft and enjoy your teenage years giving people minor hexes and having a few life issues.  However, if you think you might want to kill vampires and evil things (they absolutely must not sparkle) or even be a vampire (you absolutely must not sparkle) you should go to Sunnydale High.  It’s hard work but you’ll have some loyal friends.

If supernatural isn’t your bag, but extra-terrestrial is, you have two further options.  It mostly depends on how academic you are.  You can stay this distance from the sun and interact with the aliens while staying on your own planet at Rutherford High School.  If you happen to be freakishly intelligent you may consider joining the Starfleet Academy and going out to meet the alien races directly.  For this assignment your wardrobe must consist solely of ugly jumpers and you need to slick back that hair into a magnificently coiffed bouffant.

Take some time to think about how much this choice will flip your life upside-down and pick carefully!

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Posted by on October 7, 2012 in How?

 

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