Vampires are a very fashionable business at the moment, aren’t they? Some are glittery and aloof, others are hardcore killing machines. Yet none of these bear any resemblance to real vampires. The proper, old-school kind. I’ve no doubt that they are real.

Real vampires are smooth. Suave, sophisticated. Sleek hair, long or short, widows’ peak obligatory. They have pale skin and wear dark cloaks. Long, imposing, flowing.

Real vampires live in dark places. They can probably cope with a little daylight, but choose not to. It’s just not their style. They prefer the indoors – and stone buildings. Not necessarily crypts if they’re into more modern architecture, perhaps a manor or barn conversion would do.

They are strangely charming when they want, but usually just carry an air of condescension. They’re better than you, and they know it.

They have short, ugly, IQ-challenged minions to do their dirty work.

As you can see, this doesn’t sound like Harry Potter at all! It does, however, paint a picture of someone else familiar to us.

Lucius Malfoy.

Yes, that’s right. Harry isn’t a vampire, but the Slytherins are a vampire coven. Didn’t the title ‘Death Eater’ give it away? Why did you think they were fang-buddies with the snakes? Don’t you think the name ‘Igor’ would suit Crabbe or Goyle better?

So with that mystery solved, let’s for a moment take a look at Gryffindor and Harry Potter.

• They have a long-standing feud with Slytherin.
• Members of the house are described as loyal, brave, courageous and outgoing.
• They don’t really enjoy being solitary, but stick together.
• Hermione’s hair looks like a poodle.
• Harry’s uncle Sirius is a big black dog.
• I’m sure you’re getting the connection here.

To summarise: Yes, vampires are real, but no, Harry Potter isn’t one. He’s a werewolf instead.