I think my stuffed bear is actually an evil genius trying to take over the world. How can I be sure of this?

31 Mar

A sticky situation indeed.  You need to start by asking yourself a few simple questions.

1.  Do you often feel tired, particularly in the mornings, or find it difficult to drag yourself out of bed?

–  This can be a sign that your bear is testing out new biological weaponry or anaesthetics on you.  Try leaving the window open a smidge overnight to prevent buildup of toxic substances.

2.  Odd-Sock-Syndrome – do you often lose just one sock out of a pair?

–  Your bear may be stealing them to create a sock-puppet minion army.  Start to worry if larger or tougher items like jeans go missing.  Armoured denim behemoths are a bugger to stab and really only respond to burning, which can ruin your decor.

3.  Do you have people on your social media networks who you don’t really remember adding, or are unfamiliar with them and have nothing in common?

–  There is a chance that your bear is using your Facebook account to spy on humans.  Getting to know the enemy, figuring out variance and weakness.  Changing your password won’t really help if the bear is kept where it can watch you type.

If some or all of these sound familiar, you’re probably harbouring an unknown fugitive.  There’s not really any knowing if he’s acting alone or as part of a conspiracy – although evil genii don’t tend to share creative control so I would hope it is an isolated case.

The good news is that if your bear has deigned to let you live thus far, chances are you will be enslaved last or massacred painlessly.

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Posted by on March 31, 2012 in How?, Silly


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