The amount that love has got to do with it is the same amount as what war is good for: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Love, in fact, if you want to take the metaphysical view of things, doesn’t even exist.  It is a series of chemicals and electrical impulses delivered between your neurons which make you imagine you feel something rather akin to the delicious, juicy steak Cypher eats when he asks to be reinserted into the Matrix.  Ignorance is, truly, bliss.  And also rather easy to fake.

Love, according to the many different sources to have remarked upon its nature, can be a rose, an onion, or a summer’s day. I believe that love is an altogether overworked and underpaid subject. It’s really not that tough to work out. So yes, there really is an infallible way to make any girl like you. If people tell you otherwise, this is a myth.

For a start, take the undeniable medical facts. The feelings of giddiness, heart-rush, butterflies and the general ‘warm fuzzy feeling’ are simply hormone levels in the body changing. The same effect happens on a lesser scale at any time when dopamine levels rise; eating chocolate, watching a romantic comedy, or even feeling good at a party when drunk. So, to get the girl you like to pay attention to you, and associate you with good feelings, pick her up when she’s drunk.

You want the first date to continue this conditioning, so ideally you take her to the latest chick flick at the movies, and buy chocolate snacks like M&Ms or Maltesers instead of popcorn. This way, both her and her body learn to link you with feelings of happiness, comfort, and ultimately, those most commonly known as ‘love’. The chemical which is known to instigate feelings of attraction and commitment is oxytocin – and just the same as any pleasant and addictive feeling you can get hooked on it. It’s an easy trick to pull.

Next, on to the topic of your demeanor.  Once again, I will inform you that it is a lie if anyone tells you to ‘just be yourself, they will like you for who you are’.  If you become what they want you to be, they will like you better. It isn’t about ‘having things in common’, or indeed ‘clicking’.  Why do girls get on with gay guys so well?  Well, yes, they wash more often, but also because they listen.  If you listen, smile, frown and nod in all the appropriate places, and offer as near as you can get to real sympathy, she will run off to her friends the next day and gossip about how ‘caring and sensitive’ you are.  It’s always a hit.  The same goes for conversation – if it’s a topic you’re familiar with, you can pretend to share her views (no conflicting views, debate is most definitely a turn-off).  If not, then you just say, ‘Well, I don’t know much about [insert-topic-here], but I’d *love* to hear you tell me about it…’

To ensure that she’s kept interested, there is but one key to a successful relationship.  Although pre-eminent strikes may not have been so good for George W. Bush, when dealing with the female species they are essential.  In order to maintain one’s position, it is vital to provide a regular dopamine top-up in the form of the Spontaneous Romantic Gesture (SpRoG).  This can be represented by the traditional chocolates or flowers, if you have the money for a meal out, new dress or other present, do so.  Cheap SpRoGs include poetic text messages, love letters, or saying ‘I love you’ in a public place.  If she is always aware of something you have done for her recently, she will treat your idiosyncrasies with more acceptance.  This may even help you to avoid arguments altogether.

As with all things that seem too good to be true, there is a snag.  These chemicals that make teenagers lovesick and new couples go all googly-eyed are not designed to last forever; they are set to dwindle after a maximum of 2 years.  So if you haven’t set up a good basis of shared experience, respect, in-jokes and emotional security, you’ll be doomed to fail in the long run.

In conclusion:-

• ‘Love’ (if it exists) can be faked;
• It only lasts a couple of years anyway;
• After that, you’re on your own.

Love doesn’t really have much to do with it.  It’s a cheap, old-fashioned notion.